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| Creative Writing Thread, Pride or Humility? in Other Forums; Chris Tears. Cleaving pain. Hand raises. Staring at empty eyes. "In a church?! Church be damned!". Bang! Wailing. Ebbing pain. ... |
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#1
05-25-2009, 02:08 AM
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| Pride or Humility? Chris Tears. Cleaving pain. Hand raises. Staring at empty eyes. "In a church?! Church be damned!". Bang! Wailing. Ebbing pain. Left hand still. Look at those curious, thoughtless eyes; tattered white clothes. "Morals?!". Aim… Bang! Take a step forward. Eyes red. Blood everywhere. Heart ticking. "Mad. Mad?!". Bang! Tears. Hand lowers slightly. "Love?!". Face twitches. Bang. My brows lift, moon shaped eyes. She spoke… a gesture? For motion, wilt it too? Yes… yes! Let there be, oh please. Silence. Kneel. Hold her gently, like a bird should be held. Whimper. Death is the equalizer of us all, Death is the equalizers of us all, Death is the equalizers of us all. To be fair is to seek beauty, to be equal… … Bang. Christine Gasp. "Please! Please, not here, not in this holy place". Bang! Piercing pain. Hit the floor. I plead, “Why, why does the cardinal perch on a yew, your clothes do not match mine today. What of your responsibility? The law!” Bang! A dove chirps. Hands limp. Floor likes me here I realize. Stare into empty eyes. "You’re insane!". Bang! Dove lands on a wound. Red blood… red feet? Frenzy of pain. Moan. “I loved you”. Bang! Whimper. Hand threatens the floor. Pressure. Raise. “But I was happy”. Silence.
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#2
07-02-2009, 08:45 AM
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| Re: Pride or Humility? Hey, Holiday, you have a flare for this! A sort of mad prose poem, very cool. I am curious about the motivation of Chris. Or maybe his motivation is supposed to be ambiguous, that we should only know that the motive is pride?
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#3
07-02-2009, 04:55 PM
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| Re: Pride or Humility? Chris = pride , Christine = humility |
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#4
07-03-2009, 02:53 AM
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| Re: Pride or Humility? I like it! It is rather experimental and that is often the poetry that I tend to prefer. If I was you I would revise the poem a bit, and then maybe try to go into a little more depth. It just feels like it is missing something.
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#5
07-03-2009, 07:04 PM
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| Re: Pride or Humility? Right, I can see the pride in Chris, but what has sparked this extreme prideful reaction in him, especially if Christine is possessed of such humility? I wouldn't answer the question directly in the piece, but some hint at the cause might be a good addition. Overall, though, I like it.
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#6
07-03-2009, 07:45 PM
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| Re: Pride or Humility? That would have been a good idea, thankyou. |
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