my husband left me. said he didnt want to be with me anymore. said he still wanted to live here for awhile... claimed he still wanted to be friends... he took his ring off.

its entirely my fault.

my emotions keep morphing.

my imagination keeps working without my control... my fears keep pushing my sadness into anger... i keep pushing my anger into self hate.

i want full custody of our daughter... im so afraid of....

i wish......

i wish i didnt have to wish...

my sister got implants... its against my philosophies... its hard to support her... well... thanks to the surgery she doesnt need support! :P no no... really though i thought mean things in my head to be perfectly honest. i know its for opinion and i think it was an unhealthy and wasteful choice... im quite certain it will effect her personality... i hope it wont.

but i got to spend an extended time with my neice... last friday til today. got her hooked on journaling accidentally... but i think its a healthy hobby.

watched... or semi-watched many movies... including...

i notice coincidences at an unusual frequency...

matt has noticed and teases me saying i jinx and/or manifest things... so when i say certain things he'll make me take it back or reword myself out of genuine fear it will happen...

i dont like to think im crazy... i always aimed at being rational and level headed... never superstitious... but **** just keeps happening... and its impossible to ignore... and no matter how hard i try to make it logically explained or just ignore it... it keeps happening

last night i picked up matt and marquise from germania but...

i shouldve done this sooner... right when i woke up... but i dreamt of white wolves last night... the first thing i still remember was puddles of blood... like the sewers were backed up and there were big blood puddles... i could hear snarling... so yet again it was another zombie-ish dream... i somehow found myself in some strangers house. Half the house was flooded... and zombie cats were in the water... well i assumed zombie because they werent surfacing for air but they were hissing and had flattened ears... i remember the guy who owned the house was in search of chemicals and was mumbling...

"Every order of mind or quality of thought must have association with a corresponding order of mind and quality of thought, or it will suffer."
-prentice mulford

i guess ive been a hermit... so busy thinking i forget to learn social skills... now that katies gone my link to forced social situations has been released from this state of existance... what do i do now... how... who... its impossible... endure being obscure... my thoughts are heavy...

I want to rant about video games...
i play them verrrrry frequently. Im definitly addicted. Its better that, than what i see some other people doin...many people i know spend such large portions of time watching television... i dont have cable and i dont even have an antennae for the free stations... why just sit, observe and absorb when you can play something, be a part of the story literally.

Alot of games have great storylines and you can do all kinds of impossible things... with games like tomb raider, bioshock, assassins creed, timeshift and too human... like
...

dont know why its not more apparent to everybody...
i need to re-find which book its from... but it was from a gospel not included in the bible now... but it says satan was Gods first creation, but he had too much power and misused it... i need to read that whole thing again... its been too long... but yeah

i was thinking about this concept of heaven and hell some more... which i believe in neither place as its often imagined now, if such places exist. It seems more logical they were man made as a tool for behavior manipulation... after all mankind is still barbaric and whatever...